Wednesday, September 13, 2017

You Are

this is YOU and fear has no place in you


It Might be Him

It was early in the morning, a few days after his passing. I couldn't fall back to sleep so I decided to get up from the bed. My only goal that day was to come up with a list of songs for the funeral. That was my only assignment, the others were being taken care of by our beloved friends and families.

If you ever knew my late husband Denny, you could easily said that he was an idealist, the kind of person who would plan ahead of time, who enjoyed well-arranged events. And as someone who loved to sing and lead worship almost half of his life, I knew how picky he would be with songs selections. So, the pressure was on, I wanted to prepare his last event on earth perfectly. But my mind was too shattered to remember a single gospel song of his favorites and my heart was too broken to retrieve any memory.

I was sitting at the corner of my bedroom with my eyes closed. Planning a funeral for my husband was never written in my wish list, not in my young age. My phone suddenly buzzed. Who would’ve called this early? I didn’t recognize the number, an overseas number. It was not in my contact and it started with +62. I knew it was from Indonesia. I usually would press the red button but that morning my finger wasn’t following my head. I swept right and said hello…

hello ….
hello ….

No voice just loud noises

Just as I was about to hang up I heard a familiar tune. I tried to quiet my mind to listen to the noise. It sounded like a service and people were singing. Somehow the noises calmed my raging heart, so I kept listening. The song soon ended and I heard someone talked. I tried to catch some words but wasn't really able to understand. Right after, they continued with a song and suddenly I burst into tears. It was one of Denny’s favorite song. The song that he always ran to whenever he needs strength. I cried and whispered “Thank you, Daddy God, for remembering me, for showing me the way, for sending me a song from Heaven” I sat there, singing and sobbing until the song ended and so did the phone call.

"God Is The Strength Of My Heart"
by Don Moen

Whom have I in heaven but You
There is nothing on earth I desire beside You
My heart and my strength many times they fail
But there is one truth that always will prevail

God is the strength of my heart
God is the strength of my heart
God is the strength of my heart
And my portion forever

Up to this day, I never knew who the mysterious caller was. All I knew was that God called me to give me a song in time that I needed it the most.

The song was sang during the funeral. The song was a confession of my faith. The song was a prophecy. The song set a pathway for me to walk on even when the journey was dark and clouded with pain. God is indeed my strength and my portion forever.

Friends, be very certain that God knows exactly what is going on with your life. He knows every struggle. He knows how broken your heart is. He know how clouded your mind is. He knows how messy your days are. He knows how hopeless you are. He knows every tear, every disappointment, every pain, every heartache, everything.

As David says in Psalm,
Even when I walk 
through the darkest valley, 
I will not be afraid, 
For You are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.

I pray that you will be aware of His presence in your life, even in the moments of desperation. There are things about Him we can only get to know in times of weakness. He is a Father who never leaves us. He is a Father who remembers. Hold on to your faith and don't be surprised to receive a call from an unknown number because who knows it might be Him.

For His Glory,

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Call Me a Widow

It was so surreal.

I never thought that I would ever become a widow before turning 35. Came too soon and uninvited, I was not ready for it, not at all. To deny the status no woman would ever want to have was not an option. To spot and then check the box with the word “widow” in countless forms I needed to sign was without doubt, painful. To hear the word uttered in a conversation, a talk, or a sermon felt like a stab. I would break down in tears and my heart would shatter into pieces again and again.

I still remember how I used to buried my head in tons of parenting books when I was pregnant with my first baby. But widowhood came unexpected for me. No book has ever taught me how to be one. No one has ever prepared me to be one. I was unwillingly becoming one with no knowledge on how to carry the status.

For a while, all I could think of was how in the world I would survive being a widow and caring for three young children on my own. The thought of fighting alone, making decision alone, raising my kids alone consumed me. I could not breathe whenever I thought about it. It kept me awake for hours at night. “I am a widow”.

Introducing myself to a new group of people was a nightmare. So many “what ifs” I had to deal with in preparation of meeting them.

“So the two of them continued on their journey. When they came to Bethlehem, the entire town was excited by their arrival. “Is it really Naomi?” the women asked.
“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me.” ‭‭-The Story of Naomi & Ruth
Ruth‬ ‭1:19-20‬

Call me a widow.

For a moment, I seemed to forget something, something significant. I was so caught up trying to live up to my “new” status and forgetting that I was born already with a status, the most important status, my true identity.

When You’re Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Isaiah 43

But now, God’s Message, The God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
The One who got you started, Israel: “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name, YOU ARE MINE.

When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
It won’t be a dead end- Because I am God, YOUR PERSONAL GOD,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior

I paid a huge price for you: All of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I LOVE YOU!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
Trade the creation just for you.

God came and gently reminded me of who I actually am.
He said “Felecia, you are My daughter, you are MINE”


As I started to digest the whisper, I began remembering that I am a daughter to loving parents, a sister to supportive siblings, a mother to amazing children and a friend to numerous good friends, and I AM first and foremost a beloved daughter of the King.

The truth immediately recalibrated my focus. 

Friends, as we maneuver lives in a fast paced world, we all try to live up to a status or work very hard for a status we dream to hold in the future. Some of us might get caught up wondering what should I do with my status? Especially with the “uninvited” ones. Widow, widower, divorcee, single, childless, fatherless, orphan, single parent, sick, broke, in complicated relationship, abused, jobless, bankrupt, in debt, troubled marriage. Our current status could make us feel so lost and small especially in the world where comparison is found by a swipe of a finger. We feel unworthy, we become sick with the current condition, we grow weary of seeing no progress, we become stuck, and we want to give up.

Today, if you are confused and ready to give up, I encourage you to run to God and find yourself in His open arms. He is waiting for you to find your first and foremost identity in Him. You are God’s beloved son. You are God’s beloved daughter. Stop trying to figure out how to carry your status without first knowing your God-given identity. Your status might stay “unpleasant” but you will find the strength to carry it.

It has been six years since they called me a widow and a single mom. The status does not offend me anymore. The status no longer defines my worth. My identity as God’s beloved daughter gives me contentment and joy regardless any painful feeling that comes with the current status. My identity is secured and will never be taken away from me even with a change of a status. One day, your status may change from single to married, from sick to healthy, from bankrupt to wealthy, from orphan to adopted, from troubled to free but one thing for sure, you will always be His beloved son, His beloved daughter.

"You are Mine, I am yours" -God

You are never alone,
PS: Share your battles with me, I will be honored to stand together with you.
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