He didn't Do This to Me
I still remember the days I spent mourning for my life.
Why our kids?
Why my dream?
What did I do wrong?
Was I that bad?
It felt like robbers just broke into our lives, took every single thing away, ripped our hearts apart and left us wounded. I felt like a victim. A victim of this life. A victim of all the bad things in the world.
Whenever I had a rough day, I would immediately cry my heart out, feeling victimized. Why were other people happy but I was not? I thought I somewhat deserved to have a complete and happy family. I thought I deserved to live life to the fullest. I thought I deserved to walk toward my dream. But now this? How could I live my life with a limp and a big hole?
I would spend days mourning, sulking and being angry before feeling a bit better. But shortly after that, another rough day came, and I ended up going around in a circle.
Maybe you can relate to this because you've been in similar shoes or you are currently walking in the long journey of grief. Please allow me to tell you today that what you are experiencing is a normal response to loss regardless how long you’ve lost your loved one. It took me a while to process until I finally realized that there was no point in playing victims, until I realized seeing myself as a victim imprisoned my soul.
It took me a while to be able to say that God didn’t do this to me. I mean, how could he?
Two thousand years ago, Jesus chose to carry the pain, suffering and all the punishment of the world upon Himself. For a little moment, He was despised by His own Father because of the sin of the world He chose to take upon himself. He did it all, so we don’t have to. And because He carried them all, He knows exactly how pain, suffering, sorrow and grief feels and looks like.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
Remembering what God has done in my life has kept me grounded and made me realize that I am never a victim. It was not an overnight process though, it took me a while to come to terms. It took a while for me to win the consuming battle in my heart. It took a lot of running back to God and saying "I am sorry for accusing You". It took a while to come out of the circle of playing victims.
BUT GOD ...
Every single time, He would welcome me with open arms, saying "I am nor surprised, I understand". It took a while to be able to say with my whole heart, mind and soul that “God didn’t do this to me”.
Friends, my encouragement for you, whether you’re in the beginning or middle of the grief journey, the thought about you becoming a victim would somehow resurface. Again, it’s normal, but please know that you will overcome the false belief and thought and move forward with a bigger heart. I pray that you will soon discover God’s intention toward your life. I pray that you will live freely and dance beautifully even with a limp because God never makes mistakes.
“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It's all a question of how I view my life.” ― Paulo Coelho
you are not alone,