Call Me a Widow

It was so surreal.

I never thought that I would ever become a widow before turning 35. Came too soon and uninvited, I was not ready for it, not at all. To deny the status no woman would ever want to have was not an option. To spot and then check the box with the word “widow” in countless forms I needed to sign was without doubt, painful. To hear the word uttered in a conversation, a talk, or a sermon felt like a stab. I would break down in tears and my heart would shatter into pieces again and again.

I still remember how I used to buried my head in tons of parenting books when I was pregnant with my first baby. But widowhood came unexpected for me. No book has ever taught me how to be one. No one has ever prepared me to be one. I was unwillingly becoming one with no knowledge on how to carry the status.

For a while, all I could think of was how in the world I would survive being a widow and caring for three young children on my own. The thought of fighting alone, making decision alone, raising my kids alone consumed me. I could not breathe whenever I thought about it. It kept me awake for hours at night. “I am a widow”.

Introducing myself to a new group of people was a nightmare. So many “what ifs” I had to deal with in preparation of meeting them.

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“So the two of them continued on their journey. When they came to Bethlehem, the entire town was excited by their arrival. “Is it really Naomi?” the women asked.
“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me.” ‭‭-The Story of Naomi & Ruth
Ruth‬ ‭1:19-20‬

Call me a widow.

For a moment, I seemed to forget something, something significant. I was so caught up trying to live up to my “new” status and forgetting that I was born already with a status, the most important status, my true identity.


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When You’re Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Isaiah 43

But now, God’s Message, The God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
The One who got you started, Israel: “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name, YOU ARE MINE.

When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
It won’t be a dead end- Because I am God, YOUR PERSONAL GOD,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior

I paid a huge price for you: All of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I LOVE YOU!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
Trade the creation just for you.
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God came and gently reminded me of who I actually am.
He said “Felecia, you are My daughter, you are MINE”

I AM HIS DAUGHTER

As I started to digest the whisper, I began remembering that I am a daughter to loving parents, a sister to supportive siblings, a mother to amazing children and a friend to numerous good friends, and I AM first and foremost a beloved daughter of the King.

The truth immediately recalibrated my focus. 

Friends, as we maneuver lives in a fast paced world, we all try to live up to a status or work very hard for a status we dream to hold in the future. Some of us might get caught up wondering what should I do with my status? Especially with the “uninvited” ones. Widow, widower, divorcee, single, childless, fatherless, orphan, single parent, sick, broke, in complicated relationship, abused, jobless, bankrupt, in debt, troubled marriage. Our current status could make us feel so lost and small especially in the world where comparison is found by a swipe of a finger. We feel unworthy, we become sick with the current condition, we grow weary of seeing no progress, we become stuck, and we want to give up.

Today, if you are confused and ready to give up, I encourage you to run to God and find yourself in His open arms. He is waiting for you to find your first and foremost identity in Him. You are God’s beloved son. You are God’s beloved daughter. Stop trying to figure out how to carry your status without first knowing your God-given identity. Your status might stay “unpleasant” but you will find the strength to carry it.

It has been six years since they called me a widow and a single mom. The status does not offend me anymore. The status no longer defines my worth. My identity as God’s beloved daughter gives me contentment and joy regardless any painful feeling that comes with the current status. My identity is secured and will never be taken away from me even with a change of a status. One day, your status may change from single to married, from sick to healthy, from bankrupt to wealthy, from orphan to adopted, from troubled to free but one thing for sure, you will always be His beloved son, His beloved daughter.


"You are Mine, I am yours" -God


You are never alone,
Felecia
PS: Share your battles with me, I will be honored to stand together with you.