In the Dark

Entering the fourth week

Here in Indonesia, shelter-in-place order began on March 15th. It all started when the Ministry of Education made the decision to stop all on-campus school activities and the Government made a statement to cancel all large gatherings, including any religious activity. In 24 hours each one of us was forced to make quick and hard decisions for the family, the business, the church, the community, the city, the country. Suddenly, we, adults, were required to suck it up, toughen up, and be the big person in wherever we were, in any roles we were in.

My first two weeks of shelter-in-place was beyond words. The fear of being in a spinning upside-down-world with no control was bigger than the fear of getting infected by the virus.

As you all know, my world consists of family, work, and ministry.

On the first day
The family was safe and secure. The young and the old were placed on a full stay-at-home order, thank God, they did not mind at all. My daughter who is currently thousands of miles away from us was well taken care of by our good friend. The family was sheltered.

On the second day
The work had to go through a major reconstruction. We had to switch the strategy from on-campus to online. A lot of hard discussions, planning, stretching, and the willingness to be more flexible than ever. Thank God for a team who’s always ready. The work was sheltered.

On the third day
The ministry had to switch gear to fully functioning online. More heavy discussion, planning, organizing, and preparing for the term none of us knew. Thank God for people who're always willing to serve and walk the extra mile. The ministry was sheltered.

On the fourth day
Executing plans in situations that changed over time was stressing. The phone was flooded with too much unnecessary information and too much discussion in every group chat. My mind was overwhelmed.

On the fifth day
A really big and hard decision has to be made. A decision that should’ve, could’ve, would’ve been made a while ago but finally made in the midst of chaos. But I made the decision anyway and felt totally at peace.

On the sixth day
Another hard decision. Not as big as on the fifth day but it shook every part of me.
I finally broke down. 

My heart was shattered. Crying for hours, it felt like 2011 all over again, when I grieved the death of a husband, when I grieved the loss of a dream. I looked like a big mess and I no longer care to burden people with my grief. I wanted them to know how much love I had for them. I spilled my heart out to everyone around me. I didn’t hesitate to tell them what’s in my heart, my fear, my hope, my wishes for them, my pain, and how much they mean to me. I made them cry. We cried together.

On the twelfth day
Very disappointing news came unexpectedly. It felt like not only me but also the whole family was placed in an even darker place. It shattered our hearts. We had no words left to say. We drew near to Him with our tears. We drew closer telling how we felt about each other.

Then something happened....

None of us ever wish to be in the dark.
None of us ever wait for the dark to come.
But there is something about being in the dark.

For those of you with children, you know how it goes at bedtime. When all lights are off, the conversation will soon go deeper (especially when you have teens). We are not afraid to open up. We are not afraid to voice out the “dark and ugly” things in our head. We’re no longer afraid of being judged or rejected. We’re not hesitant to shed tears. We’re being honest and open. We’re being ourselves.

Friends, maybe you are currently in a dark place, please know that you are not alone because God is with you and He sees where you are right now. As much as you want it to be over, maybe embracing it will do you good. Be honest to yourself, to people you love, to God. Open up, don’t hold back. It’s needed and necessary for your soul to be fully alive. Out from the dark, you will be fully alive.

Lord, even when your path takes me 
through the valley of deepest darkness, 
fear will never conquer me, for you already have! 
You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way. 
Your authority is my strength and my peace.
The comfort of your love takes away my fear. 
I’ll never be lonely, for you are near. 
Psalm 23:4 TPT


Love,

Felecia